This piece of music sends shivers down my spine:



_{-> The Full Track}

The video that accompanies it isn't that bad either. I don't think there is a band comparable to this one in terms of the same sort of style, or lyrics, or music, or anything like that. Then again, I may be wrong, in which case, I'm open for suggestions!

What was the most recent song that sent shivers down your spine? Also, what movie have you recently seen, and what is your favourite movie of all time?

I've been catching up on the popular movies lately, movies like Sherlock Holmes, Inception.. even Avatar. I watched them all quite recently myself, and, yes, I know they were all released a while ago.

I'm going to keep this journal short, but I definitely would like any suggestions you have in terms of movies, or even music if you have any.

I also wanted to say that I'm going to be a bit absent for the rest of this month, and next month... especially towards the end of next month. You probably won't notice it much anyway as I haven't commented on deviations in a very long time, and I haven't submitted any art at all either. I barely comment on the journals and news articles that come in, but I do try and stay on top of the notes, comments and replies I receive.

I will still log on every day for my groups and other things, so I will still be able to do what my role requires as a Community Volunteer if you send me any notes to lock/move threads, etc. but yeah, I won't be totally free until July.

I hope you all have a good summer, though, and for those that are taking exams, I wish you all the best.

Lots of stuff today!

Contests

^jussta is hosting a Vexel Contest at #projecteducate on the theme of, What's your favourite thing about DeviantArt?. Pretty simple, with subscriptions to be one, so check it out! ~ Ends May 13th

=Life-Is-Oppurtunity is hosting a Literature Contest at #Write-Now on the theme of, Before and After. It's a really awesome concept and definitely worth a glance! ~ Ends May 21st

#SolutionsSanctuary has a  May Contest on the theme of, Navigating DeviantART. Some awesome prizes there too! ~ Ends May 31st

Other Contests being hosted:

deviantART Related Collaboration Contest ~ Ends May 15th
The Literary Illustration Challenge Part II ~ Ends May 30th
Childhood Memories Contest Pt 2 ~ Ends May 31st
This or That Emote Pack Contest ~ Ends June 1st

Projects

^Hardrockangel's Act of Random Kindness

^Kaz-D brings to attention her friend's journey who is supporting a charity very worthy of recognition that probably not many of you have heard of. Please read about it here and spread the word.

#MountainShots' Contest Winners!



First, Second, Third place respectively.

What do you do as soon as you are 'alert' from having just been in sleep? Are you the type to lie there for a few minutes thinking (about what? ) or do you get up and get on with your day? Do you use an alarm (and is it effective? )? What do you wake up to, usually?

I wake up wanting to go back to sleep, I have to say. 6am is too early for me, but I can't afford it to be later. Deeply inside, I am relieved I am granted another day on this Earth, but on the surface...

Anyway, I thought it might be interesting to know all about your waking habits there.

Also, check out the piece of music below! It's truly glorious stuff (at least, for me). I wish I had the lyrics, but it is early days yet.



So yeah, how have you all been? What have you been up to?

...Any plans for summer?

Real? Fake?

It's been criticised that it is fake, and I am inclined to... well, not agree that it is fake, but not disagree either.

Many sites have reported this, as if it was real, and I have to say I thought it was as well. I mean, it's a truly amazing feat. Watching this video, I nearly shed a tear at how extraordinary it was, and though it may or may not be true... it doesn't mean it won't be in the future.

Man has always wanted to fly like the (majority of) birds, and we have already created so many things that, given a decade, a century, ago, would have been seen as nigh on impossible.

Someone said,
Agree? Disagree?

I mentioned before that we have power. We do. In these times, when every year seems to go by faster than the last, it may well be time to seize and fulfil our ideals, our dreams. It may well be the right time to stand up for what we believe in, to make a difference.

Or try to, at least.

So...

...how have you all been?

I thought I had posted a journal in January but it looks like I haven't. Looking back, I wonder where the minutes, hours, days, weeks... I wonder where that has all gone.

...So how have you all been? What have you all been up to? How is 2012 shaping up to be so far?

I'd like to know, so… SMITE ME, O MIGHTY SMITER!

Though if you're not in the mood for sharing, perhaps you could give this a listen from 3:00.



The passion here is just... it's amazing. Not only is the melody itself pretty awesome, but the way they're all playing in sync, the way they all come together as one to produce something like this is beyond extraordinary.

Well, for me it is anyway. Even though the instruments are 'acoustic', they've got such a solid beat as if it was digitally created... and the best thing about it is that it's not. It's pure instrumental.

Do any of you have links to things like the above?

The passion of it all sort of leads me nicely to Valentine's Day, a day which many of you ...do not like? Am I right?

I guess, if you have no reason to 'celebrate' it, it becomes almost nauseating to go through the day surrounded by couples who have roses, teddy bears, chocolates, and more, but the thing that quite a lot of people forget is that... it's just a day.

I've come across many complaints from people exclaiming their woes at how they're single, how the day sucks, yada yada. Yet the day loses significance if you let yourself believe, and accept, the fact that it is just a day. A day like any other, even. If you stop treating it like it's a special day, it isn't one.

Eleanor Roosevelt said that, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". It sort of relates to this in the sense that you let yourself be toed under by the 'nonsense', and thus it becomes significant to you.

Those that don't give a shit really don't give a shit, you know?

Eh, I somehow ended up ranting here, so...

What is love to you? Have you ever been in love? What did it feel like? How do you know you are in love? Was it true love? What is true love?

Does love even exist?

I have to say that I am more interested in the romantic type of love for now, though the other types of love are equally fascinating in themselves. I know that there are some who do not have merry stories on love here, but I am specifically looking for … the merry ones; the happy kinds, the good times, the things that are optimistic and all.

Today, it would be good if we could focus on the positives. If you have a bit of time, share your thoughts and opinions.

I have been thinking of hopes and dreams, and how most people, if not all, have them... Can one survive without having a hope or a dream at all?

People seem to crush hopes and dreams as if they were made of nothing. They are fragile in this way, and even though they may not be touched tangibly, people still have the power to ruin them, and to destroy them.

I know that if I ask for your hopes and dreams, I'll receive a good many, but I'm more intrigued at how many of you have shattered somebody else's hopes and dreams, whether that was by choice or wasn't, whether it was done with the best of intentions... or something else, perhaps.

That is life, though, isn't it? Life isn't fair. Life was never meant to be fair, and we'll suffer our hardships and our falls before we rise up and commit the same again, guided by inevitability to go in a circle if you want to look at it that way, or to go up and down if not.

...But people who wreck other people's hopes and dreams, I can't help asking why, or how the person can look their loved ones in the faces when previously, maybe an hour ago, or a day ago, they extinguished someone else's fervent desire for something that isn't that much, at the end of the day, that doesn't cost that much, or doesn't ask that much of humanity, of life.

Perhaps we should blame the holder of those hopes and dreams, then, for not doing better to achieve them. Perhaps it is their fault, their blame that they should carry on already downtrodden shoulders. We are lucky in some ways in how we get to have many goes at achieving our happiness, but if something is left to something as obscure as chance, what then?

People hold so much power. You hold so much power. The thing about it is that many people don't know that. They're either ignorant, innocent... or maybe they just don't care. Maybe it doesn't register in their daily lives at all. Maybe they've become jaded and wish everyone else suffered like them.

Whatever the reason is... I don't know. All I know is I have this poem in my mind that many of you should be familiar with, and perhaps I want a bit of self-reflection from you guys, in terms of what hopes and dreams you have, whether they've been walled in, or even removed, by others, and whether you were the one who did it to others too... I know I have.  

Is there one thing you can do to forget life ever existed?

Before continuing, I've been given the task to write about "artist's plights" for #dArtzine. If you would like to be interviewed, to talk about yourself and your art, please let me know as soon as possible. I am specifically focusing on conflicts, on artists comparing themselves to another... so if you have been through something like that, hit me up.

Anyway, I'll try not to make this journal as depressing as the previous ones. I am genuinely interested if you can forget there is a world out there.

...though it's not meant in the negative sense like, "You have no life, go out and experience life properly in the world. ".

For me, it's reading, with music coming as a close second.

I can forget to eat, forget deviantART, even forget my friends.

I can forget life, forget everything.

So my ideal day would be to hole myself and read, read, read. Ironically enough, I used to hate reading when I was younger, but... if I had to say one thing that keeps me in the world, it would be the books, the things we would be able to write, to read, to convey.

What is yours? The more inanimate it is, the better.

I found this:



Really, really awesome cover of Beyonce's Halo, which... once you've listened to this, you come to realise Beyonce's Halo is quite vicious.

So what have the rest of you guys been up to? How have you been?

I find myself slowly moving away from deviantART, or rather, what I used to do on deviantART. I used to comment on deviations every day, but now I focus my efforts on the +forum instead. I look at every piece that comes into my message centre, and I try to give one comment a week, but... those things tend to build up in unseemly ways.

Anyway, I truly apologise for my late replies and late comments at that. I can't say it's going to get any better until sometime next year, but .. yeah, I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Listen to this:

It's good to bleed.

Yesterday, I stabbed myself with glass. The blood... it wouldn't stop.

...and it was hard to believe, it is hard to believe, that this blood (apparently) travels nearly 12,000 miles, beats around 35 million times every year and pumps a million barrels of blood during an average lifetime.

Just to pull out a few facts and figures from a site.

Not even sure if it's true.

...but it is interesting, isn't it?

I haven't stepped foot in hospital since the day I was born. I rarely get injuries because I am not 'accident prone'. After going so long without hurting myself physically, it's good to feel pain... literally.

It's good to feel pain that is different to the mental, emotional, or psychological pain that nobody ever sees if the person wishes to.

But a chunk of skin flapping... or a plaster covering that? That can be seen.

I had forgotten what it had felt like, what it looked like, after going so long without an injury.

The best part?

It's miraculous how we can heal so fast.

Six or so hours after slicing myself, and all I could see was an incision or a cut that you would see if you had cut cardboard, for instance. It didn't look like skin, or 'meat', but a neat cut you would make if you had wanted to cut into plastic with machinery.

The funny thing is, is that, prior to that, it wasn't neat at all.

You know when you get a paper cut and it stings?

That's what it felt like for me. It didn't hurt so bad that I was crying. It just tingled, and stung... sparked a bit, if you want to go there, but that... that, for me, was a sign that I was patching my body up not of my own volition.

And, then, after that?

I felt alive.

---

How are you all? What have you been up to?

Florence and The Machine's new album is awesome. It's a bit .. more grounded, a bit darker, less 'twinkly' than the first one, but it is so awesome.

This is my favourite song from the whole album. The live version is as good as the studio one, so give it a listen.



Do you know a song similar to this one?



It's my most favourite one at this moment in time.

Before, it was this one:



...and before that one, it was this one:



I believe all carry a message.. and if you have time, please do give it a listen.


I spent my time, watching
The spaces that have grown between us.
And I cut my mind on second best,
Oh the scars that come with the greenness.
And I gave my eyes to the boredom,
Still the seabed wouldn't let me in.
And I try my best to embrace the darkness
In which I swim.

Now walking back, down this mountain,
The strength of a turnin' tide.
Oh the wind so soft, and my skin,
Yeah the sun so hot upon my side.
Oh lookin' out at this happiness
I searched for between the sheets,
Oh feelin' blind, I realize,
All I was searchin' for... was me.
Oh oh-oh, all I was searchin' for was me.

Oh yeah, keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
No, no, no, no, keep your mind set, keep your hair long.
Oh my, my darlin', keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
Na, oh, no, no, keep your mind set in your ways.
Keep your heart strong.
Now I saw a friend of mine, the other day,
And he told me that my eyes were gleamin'.
Oh I said I'd been away, and he knew...
Oh he knew the depths I was meanin'.
And it felt so good to see his face,
All the comfort invested in my soul,
Oh to feel the warmth, of his smile,
When he said, 'I'm happy to have you home.'
Oh oh-oh, I'm happy to have you home.

Oh yeah, keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
No, no, no, no, keep your mind set, keep your hair long.
Oh my, my darlin', keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
No, no, no, no, keep your mind set in your ways.
Well keep your heart strong.

'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wildflowers, oh with your demons of change.

Emotions suck.

I would like to think of myself as quite a calm person, or a person who feels a general neutrality to things on a day to day basis.

Often, that is the case, though, most of the time, I am more 'lacking in feeling' than 'feeling'.

I would like to think I have control over the emotions that I have. (Futile hope, no?)

I do try my best at controlling it (even when you can't control it, I know... or can you?). I try to view things as objectively as possible to distance myself away from whatever it is that spurs me into feeling whatever I am feeling.

But what has made me write this journal is what happened yesterday. I lost it, completely. Perhaps it was my mother (who kept badgering me) or maybe it was something else, but I could feel (from a small part inside me) that this horrible (and horrific, to be frank) surge of building 'annoyance' (or 'irritation') was wholly irrational as it spit in rage for something so inconsequential in hindsight, it makes me ashamed now, and that's putting it mildly.

I don't know whether this is a result of genes, or a result of environmental factors. At the end of the day, all I know is that it has to come from somewhere. (… right?)

Both my father and mother are not good at handling their emotions. Most of the time, they take it out on other people i.e my sister and I. (That is another story for another day.) What the key thing is here is that my parents aren't the only ones that lash out.

I feel that a variety of factors contribute, and I can be forgiving and understanding of that. Usually. For me, it's partly finding myself closed off in a metaphorical tiny box and being hit on, by one of those boxing fists that you see in cartoons, over and over and over again.

It feels like that for me, and if I cannot extract myself from the situation, I'll display all this ugly stuff on my face and react like an animal, losing all reason and not actually.. meaning it. I don't mean it.

By that time, what is done, is done. If you're lucky, you can repair the damage if there is any, and if you're not, then you just suffer the consequences. And at this time, I hate being human.

I could probably learn techniques to deal with this (I would be interested to hear if you use any?) but... I feel tempted to say that that is beside the point at this moment in time. You could also question me about all of the 'good' emotions.

Thing is, for me, I mostly deal with the negative emotions. Rarely do I have any 'good' ones, and even if I do, they are fleeting at best. It's easier said than done to feel 'happy', or some other good emotion, and then feel the feelings that result from it like 'optimism', 'love', or something else. Heck, once you truly feel 'happy', then the next move is to be happy and that comes as such a hard thing for me for many, many different reasons. I can't even paste a superficial smile on my face. That is how bad it is.

Just by browsing, I found this and this (which is similar). What category are most of your emotions usually in?

I guess we can't really generalise or use this as a good representation, but if I had to, most of it would be in Anger, or Sadness, or hell, both of them mixed together in one glorious bucket.

It's difficult to tell what the other person you are conversing with online is feeling. The internet can give us so much, but it can also take a heck of a lot away and.. I don't know. I don't know what the point of what I said was about. We are just human and… that is that.  

I can see from the other side that emotions don't wholly suck. Even if I just feel all of the emotions under the umbrella of 'Anger' or 'Sadness', it's something isn't it? It's better than no feeling at all, right?

I have this quote from a literature piece that a person on here submitted. She is no longer with us... at least, I haven't heard from her in a very long time (that's another problem with the internet). I'm not implying she is dead, just that she is literally no longer with us here in the sense of activity.

Anyway, she said:

I think it's a sort of fate. Some of us are lucky to have all this darkness inside ourselves. It forces us to dig deeper. It forces us to think and write and draw and play guitar.
It forces us to be human.


Just a few thoughts, though really for my comfort than yours, perhaps?

Have you ever woken up with a song in your head?

I wake up almost every day with a song in my head. Today was 'Little Dreams' by Ellie Goulding, and... I find that somewhat weird because I can't say it's my favourite song from her album, but.. that was what I woke up to today and it shall be branded as the 'Song of the Day' for me:

'And if the floor gave way to my shoes
I wouldn't try to fly
I can't explain what it would feel'

Also, listen to this:



On the topic of dreams and such. Pay attention to the lyrics. It's sad stuff.

_{I just realised, all this dream business was not of my making, I swear. I think it's trying to tell me something.}

Short blog will be short. I wanted to write something else, but this suddenly came up and I am interested in reading your opinions and thoughts so if you have some time to spare, it would be greatly appreciated if you could reply here!

It's about quiet people.

(I would poll it, but I don't really know what to ask in a poll that would make this into a discussion and a continuous flow of thought and so on. I know that quite a few of you aren't in school or in a 'suitable enough' environment for this. If not, perhaps you could go back and try to remember?)

Anyway, are/were you a quiet person? Are/Were you 'disturbed'/'perturbed' by quiet people back in school (or work, I guess would work too)?

Was there anyone quiet around you, in fact? Did their quietness influence the way you acted towards them (like you stayed away, let them be, etc.)?

How do you define a quiet person? Is being quiet 'bad' (in life, society, etc.)?

If you could share some experiences/thoughts and more on quiet people, that would be cool. If you were quiet but you are no longer quiet now, what changed? Why did you change?

Thanks a lot, in advance.

Also, a song:

I want to bring attention to this piece below. It is titled, "Helplessness", and I feel that... every person can relate to this on some level, whether that is because you have felt it recently, felt it in the past, or have just come across it randomly.


I encourage you to read the Artist's Comments and to 'make a difference' there, as it were. I know I urge you to 'make a difference' on a weekly basis, but... that is online, and this is real life. This is what matters.

I can't say I fully agree with the piece in the sense that the world will "fall further into the dark pit as time goes by", but then I have a (naive) hope in that there is good and bad out there, there is harmony.

Anyway, just go and look at that piece, read the Artist's Comments, and.. yeah, do it if you can.



As I am writing this, this song is on repeat. I urge you all to give it a listen, though I can understand if it isn't your thing.

It's hard to say this, but... often I am not happy. I don't know how long you have followed me. I know some have been for a long, long time, and others quite recently. Either way, my journals have been all over the place in terms of my mood and so on. I think, many times, they are depressing (or painful), and if not that, then somewhat ... detached, indifferent, cold.

That is who I am. Often, I feel 'nothing' inside... so much that anything harsh you can say to me, any insult you can spare me, won't hit me at all. It will slide and it will disappear. If this isn't the feeling that I have inside, then it is something else, but something else that doesn't remotely touch the surface of happiness.

I am not looking for any consolations, or advice, or anything like that. In fact, if you just read this and don't comment, I am fine with that. I think I may even prefer it. Why am I writing this, then? I can't say I know the answer to that either, just ... I want to say something. Have you ever felt like that? It's like ... It's like you've got a plastic, durable, transparent shell around you, separating your metaphorical 'heart' and the outside world. That plastic, durable, transparent shell enables you to be indifferent, but behind that, there is something that wants to get through it all and reach... reach somewhere, anywhere.

Is that freedom for me? Perhaps.


On a completely different note, go here and tell me what you are!

It is so difficult to put into words the feeling when one has no obligations or ties at all.

Today marks the day of 'libertas', and I can now dedicate all my time into doing the things I want to do, which, for the moment, involves a lot of 'cleaning' both of my room, my message centre here and elsewhere besides.

Have you ever watched the bubbles of beer rise up in a clear glass?

I've found two clips here and here showing it if you haven't. I know that for most of you, you will just be humouring me on this, but take a look anyway and.. yeah, show me something that is more free.

I guess, what I am inviting of you, as well, is an example of things that are so mundane and yet... look at it a different way and it can become something different, something truly beautiful.

Yes, I am (a bit of) a nutjob.

How is everyone? It seems like a long time has passed since I have cared enough (or shown that) and I apologise about it, but I now have the time and dedication to put my all into this so hit me with what you have been doing, your immediate future plans and anything else of interest.

Meanwhile, I'll start executing what I have promised. The downsides of it involve the fact that I may unwatch you and be more silent in other areas like deviation commenting and news posting, but there will be some serious mojo in #ProjectComment, community happenings (in preparation for dA's 11th birthday) and some new articles (because featuring under-appreciated artists is partly why I am here and that will never stop ).

A final question for you, if you wanted a guide on dA, what would you want it on? How to get more comments, where to go for more exposure, or something else, perhaps? Groups, community, comments... if you would like something helpful or you think it would be helpful, say so here!

I also want to say a massive thanks to those who constantly support me (in more ways than one). Like freedom, there are simply no words of gratitude to be found or expressed that would be adequate in describing what you all truly mean to me.

Thank you.

There is a celebration going on right now for #fella's 11th birthday! They have a contest (with awesome prizes!) and a 'FellArt' Day in which the community will come together to present fella with a gift. Lots of prizes to be one there, but there are only 75 places so if you want to take part, the group and keep an eye out for it!

There will be a chat event in #solutionsRus involving the Community Volunteers. It'll take place in a couple of hours time, but if you have a spare moment, come and hang out with us!

~MichaelGrin has a Princess Nonomi Fan Art Contest for 18+ year olds, so go and check it out!

#ParadiseOfArtists' Mythology Contest ~ Ends May 10th

=Christianonfire7 has a contest about 'Darkness to Light' / If today was your last day well worth checking out! ~ Ends June 1

There is an awesome Street Photography Contest with some truly amazing prizes so go have a look now! ~ Ends June 15th

Support $Moonbeam13 and *gimp in their walk for The Weekend to End Women's Cancer.

=Christianonfire7 has a Poetry Contest on the theme of 'Memories long gone'. Deadline is September 1st. If you're not a poet yourself, please support the contest by or more awareness overall!

I will just be following-up from my previous journal here, as it would have taken me a bit of time to reply and address everyone individually, especially as you all had advice to give that made a lot of sense and was true in itself.

I am not saying that I believe in what you have said completely, because I feel as if the issues that I do have stem from somewhere deep inside that will not change overnight. Likewise, with deviantART, I will not be able to change my habits overnight, but... the support that you have given contributes a lot to the path that I am ready to undertake now. I guess I just needed something, some further encouragement and a fresh(er) perspective than my own and I thank you all for that. Those six words are so inadequate in expressing how I really think and feel and yet I cannot convey it in any other way so... I do appreciate it, and I thank you once again.

I have read through all of your replies even if I haven't replied. Many of you have said nearly the same thing. One was that I was burning myself out and that I should take a break. I do feel that... even though my life isn't balanced, as such, I haven't completely gone overboard yet. It could be my denial talking, but I will not take a break right now mostly because, if I do, the problem hasn't gone away and it hasn't resolved itself nor will it resolve itself on its own. Once I have done so, I feel I will deserve a break then, and I will not have to fear anything from that.

I will cut down on commenting starting from tomorrow and I would cut down on news articles as well, but I'd rather leave my issues at a roundabout number like 100 rather than an obscure one like 83, if only to give it a resounding finish and a note that, "this is properly done and finished and over now". I already know which articles I will be stopping (nearly all but one or two) so I thank you for helping me make that decision and helping me stick to it, or rather, make the plan resolute in my mind.

Next was delegation and handing over my responsibilities over, sharing the workload, so to speak. There are many reasons why I haven't already done it. I have thought about it plenty of times over the years, but... the past has influence over us, even if we have accepted it and moved on, no?

Either way, the truth is that I find it difficult to trust people and trust them with something that I have put my all into. It is.. scary and like handing over your child to a minder for the first time (although one can't really compare that with dA, I know). Maybe it is my fault for raising my expectations of someone or to forget the fact that we are all human here, and we all make mistakes. So many people have let me down. Even if it wasn't their intention, I am the one that is left trying to salvage what I have in my hands, and the climb is that much harder. I suppose, in my mind, I thought that if I could prevent that, it would be easier.

I know that life isn't without risks. I have given advice to others about this very thing, and it is so ironic how we can give other people advice so easily and yet... when it comes to us taking our advice, it is so hard, isn't it?

I will start to find people to help me out in my groups. In fact, I have already posted a blog doing so here, requesting help in my largest group. The other groups are smaller and already have quite a large admin team, so I'll just need to set things straight there and then that will be it.

I will be removing people from my watchlist to make it easier for me. It is not personal. I think in this case, I have to use the phrase that is typical, the phrase that we all love, that being, "It's not you, it's me". I'll bear those who have supported me in mind, though, but that will most likely happen at the end of July as I try and catch up on life and that stuff.

That's it. I've come to a lot of resolutions and it has taken me to feel this way to do so, but... I have heard that it is better to tear one's self completely and rebuild with a clean slate. I haven't quite done that here, but I am taking it slowly.. and it feels like I am moving backwards through it all, although I know there will be a time, hopefully one month from now, where I can feel like I am moving forwards (again).